Saturday, May 01, 2010

For What It's Worth

I'm starting to question the value of spending too much time reading websites and watching YouTube vids on ovarian cancer and ovarian cancer survivors/fighters.

Maybe later-- assuming I have to do chemo-- they'll be a comfort and a support to me. But right now, ya know, it really isn't useful for me to be glued, say, to the video made by one woman with Stage 1C who celebrated her five-year "cancer-free" anniversary and two weeks later found out her belly was riddled with tumors (how the hell did they miss that, I wonder?). Or to be reflecting on the implications of how "They're not talking about a cure any more; I'm now just 'in remission.'" Or gawking at another vid a 3C sufferer posted last summer noting that she's now been through six, count 'em, six major surgeries, and consequently wondering what it Means that she hasn't responded to any comments since then . . .

It's not that I'm unwilling to face potential reality. It's more that I'm taking to heart what my Lord Christ meant when He said, "Who by worrying can add a single hour to his life? . . . Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

So right now, my job is to recover fully from last week's surgery. So far, so good, and I've really glad I asked my surgeon about the self-absorbing sutures before I went into the OR. My incision is healing into something I can be going on with for a lot of years to come. I'm not saying I would have been depressed by the sight of staples; I'm pretty good at detaching about these things. But from the pictures they just look more . . . makeshift, somehow.

Then as I recover, in a little over a week, on the 10th, I have my strategy appointment with my surgeon. Yeah, I hope I find out how on earth the stupid tumor came to rupture. But beyond that, I hope to be finding out what my treatment options and strategies might be.

After that, we'll see when the time comes. There is absolutely no point in my getting bent out of shape stressing over things before I truly have to take them on.

Besides, what's the worst thing about losing time to suffering and to undergoing an early death? Besides the suffering itself-- Lord forbid I should minimize that! -- I mean. Is it not the diminished chance to experience and enjoy life? So why and how should I fail to experience and enjoy life while I've got it, especially now when I'm actually feeling rather well (all hail, Vicodin!)?

The other thing is, why should I waste my time fretting over possible death from cancer, when I will have to die of something or other eventually anyway? Why should I let Death petrify me if it should approach wearing that particular mask, as opposed to any other? Is Jesus Christ not my Savior? Has He not borne my sins and my death in His body on the cross? Did He not rise again to give me life eternal? For me, to live is Christ and to die is gain!

But I am convinced that I shall remain in this land of the living for quite awhile longer. There may come a time when reading about survival rates and possible complications and recurrances and so forth will be edifying. But right now, I intend to enjoy the life I have. And if that means watching episodes of Gordon Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares on, so be it.


Marlene said...

I agree, it's times like this that I fall on my knees and give it all to God.

Siobahn said...

Brother Christ said it it, that by worrying do we make one day more? PapaGod has it i His hand an why should we be so snobbish as to snatch it back? Life is SO much better, even with the pain of living sometimes. But by his mercy we do NOT have to live in such pain,and can therefore go on to celebrate the life we've been given.

Even with my head aching from steroids, Ava's songs made this Nana feel so much better.Papa delights in giving us these small diversions to give life it's zest...a puppy, a tiny girl with an angel's voice or and equally tiny little boy with a giggle at Nana's name that lights the darkest night.

Learn from the blessed net, bt put it down and live life, smell a rose or watch a chickadee at the feeder. Love to you, from a similar corner of the journey...J

St. Blogwen said...

In my ordinary human weakness I can't swear that I'll never try to snatch control back, but Jesus has blessed me with the conviction up front that in His hands is where my life and times and crummy cancer have to be.

Funny, I've found myself stressing more over larger issues, like the news that Iran might soon get a cyber-disruptive nuke that we have no defense against due to decisions made in the current White House, or the dire information coming out about the oil spill in the Gulf. As if Christ who holds Creation together cannot deal with these issues as well.

You'd think I thought the omnipotence of God were gauged by my imagination!


peg said...

Here's the deal-you or I will not live one moment longer than we're supposed to. Why worry? Go plant some flowers or a tree. Accept that if you must have chemo,well,you must. The worse side effect I've had so far is a problem with learning anything new. So I can do basic stuff on the 'puter,but can't learn how to do new programs.. another side effect was watching cooking shows :?

St. Blogwen said...

Well, I guess if you can't run to the kitchen and try new recipes (because you forget them), those cooking shows can't make you fat!