Sunday, February 21, 2010

Where I Was Yesterday

I planned to write this post yesterday, but got busy doing other things. Which is good.

Friday, after I got the word about my extremely-possible ovarian cancer, I was strangely free of sensations of fear. No unseen hand viciously squeezing my gut, no leaden weight at the heart, no noose at the throat. I was full of nervous energy, yes, but I channelled that into thinking and planning and letting people know.

Friday night, I actually slept pretty well. But yesterday morning I didn't feel like lying in the way I usually do, and got up at 7:00. This is good-- I can't afford to be a slugabed. What wasn't good was that shortly after I got up, even when I was just greeting my animals and going about my morning routine, it hit.

No, not dire thoughts of fear and panic. No, no wild feelings of Oh My God, O My God! No, I was hit with a sensation of oppression in my upper arms, an annoying, distracting pain that all day tried to keep me from doing what needed to be done.

Weird, really. I know it's hormonal; adrenalin, probably. But it usually takes me in the gut. Why the arms?

I don't know. All I know is that I was tempted to do the flight-avoidance thing. To go back to bed or find some computer card games online to play (I've deleted them from both my computers). But that would be silly!! The thing I most resent about facing my mortality is that I may-- I say, may!-- not have the time to do all the things I've planned and want to. And am I now going to waste a perfectly good day on absurdities? I'll save that for when I'm feeling really grotty and have no choice.

More later, but it's time for me to head to church. Blessings to all!

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