Friday, February 19, 2010

Baptismal Anniversary

About ten years ago I was Scarred for Life by a psychologist who interpreted my Minnesota Multiphasic results to say that I was a terrible hypochondriac. I was never so insulted in my life-- in fact, I'd laughed at the questions on the MMPI designed to detect an over-attention to one's health. I have no idea how he came to that conclusion, since I'm usually the last one to run to the doctor or automatically to think I'm ill or to make my health the main topic of conversation. What the MMPI should have shown was that I'm too stinking sensitive to what other people say about me, especially authority figures. So his words keep recurring to me and made me eager to disprove them. More than before, I've been reluctant to follow up on random symptoms, or to say much about my state of wellness, unless to my intimate friends.

But that has to change. At least, it's going to, starting today. Because . . .

Well, I'll let the private message I sent this afternoon to a select group of Facebook friends* tell the story for me:

I thank you for praying for me and I ask your continued prayers. I had a sonogram early this afternoon for some gynecological symptoms (sorry, gentlemen, don't mean to embarrass you) and as it turns out, I have a greatly enlarged right ovary. In fact, it's 4 to 5 times the size it was when I had a previous sonogram in June of 2008. They won't know 100% what it is until I have surgery (yes, the whole lot has got to go), but my doctor was frank when he said that he can't think of anything other than a malignancy that would cause such rapid growth in someone my age.

He's referring me to a gynecological oncologist, whom, God willing, I will hear from by this coming Tuesday. After that I'll begin to know when and where and what.

As I said, please continue to pray for me. Some might be thinking, "Well, prayer didn't work that time!" After all, the test didn't come up negative. But you'd be wrong. I've known such a result was possible and the other day I was very angry and upset at the prospect of it. My major risk factor for ovarian cancer is that I've never had a child, and I was thinking, "Blast it, I never got to use these organs for the purpose God gave them and now one of them is going to betray me?" I was afraid I'd have a major hissy fit all over the doctor's office. I don't say I'll never feel like that as the days and weeks go on, but this afternoon I did not. I was able to keep my cool and listen to what my doctor had to say. And I'm able to think clearly about what I need to do now. That, my friends, is God answering prayer.

So please, do keep praying for me.

First, that my faith in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ will remain strong-- that I'll happily find out just how strong He is.

Second, that I won't use this as an excuse to get depressed and be snippy or obnoxious to those who really do care. And pray I won't be afraid to ask for help whenever I need it.

Third, that I'll get the things done I need to get done and won't mope around, or waste time on Internet forums and so forth.

Fourth, given that I have no insurance and a very NONlucrative job (substitute teaching), that the money will be found from whatever sources both for the medical care and for keeping my household bills paid till I can get back to work again.

Fifth, and most importantly, that I will with God's help successfully come out the other side of this (comparatively) whole and healthy and have many more years to minister and teach and enjoy the fellowship of my good friends.

I'll let my other FB friends know, too, but wanted to make sure that those of you who responded to my earlier status were immediately informed.

(St. Blogwen)

But what has this to do with baptism? Well, today is the 54th anniversary of the day I was baptised. On that day my parents confessed the faith of Jesus Christ on my behalf and pledged to raise me in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, against the day that I would confirm those promises and make that confession for myself. And on that day, God, through water and the Holy Spirit, applied the blood atonement of His Son to me, to wash away all my sins and unite me with Him forever.

I now face a baptism of a different kind, but I still go through it with my Lord Jesus. It's no coincidence that my Psalm this morning was No. 130-- "Out of the depths I cry to thee, O Lord!" and my Old Testament reading was Isaiah 52:13-53:12, the Song of the Suffering Servant, by Whose wounds we are healed. The fire will get hot at times and the floods deep, but He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me, and He will bring me through.
*If you weren't on the list, I beg you, please don't be insulted. It was the people who'd responded to my status post Wednesday night about having a medical test today. I figured they were the ones who'd seen it and would be wondering.


Sandy said...

Some people shouldn't be allowed a license to practice psychology! What a total jerk!

I especially liked the last paragraph. Seems He's already giving you extra guidance.

St. Blogwen said...

He was a diehand Jungian, too, which at first I didn't think was any big deal. But then he kept telling me to "validate my anger" and "embrace my dark side." I learned he didn't mean "admit you're angry at some people, evaluate whether that anger's appropriate, and deal with it based on that," he meant "you've got a right to be angry at whatever and whomever, regardless, just because it's Your Anger." Could not convince him that it wasn't my own anger I couldn't accept, but the idea that I could be loved.

And he was supposed to be a Christian counsellor. Oh, yeah, right.

Anonymous said...

My two pennies.....having taken the MMPI myself (with paranoia coming in a close second to my depression), I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that results can be subjective. You had the wrong person interpreting that test. It took me several tries to find the "right" head doctor...but it was worth it in the end.
As for the growth...most cancers do not grow so rapidly....usually the fast-growing ones are benign...I pray this is so for you, dear friend.
Debbie, teh CrazyOldLady on ICHC

St. Blogwen said...

Thank you, Debbie. I pray you're right, and as much as I feel it's good and strengthening to prepare my mind for the worst (or the best, considering I'm a Christian and death would mean seeing Jesus sooner than later), the fact that I intend to fight this thing instead of rolling over and playing, well, dead, proves I have not given up.

Not that I'm above some good, healthy avoidance . . . but more on that in another post.

God grant you comfort in your own trouble. Jesus' blood is stronger than all our sadness, all our sins, and all our fears. And faith is more than feeling. Often, it seems directly contrary to our feelings. No matter. God is strong though we are weak and we can depend on Him when we totally cannot depend on ourselves.

St. Blogwen,
aka Kate H.
aka Kat3Kets1Gog